The period from 2013-2014 was a really difficult time for me and creatively I really suffered. At the time I felt that the concept for the The Twins was never fully completed. I wasn't satisfied with all the mixes and I never finished making videos for all the songs.  I was living with my grandmother who was dying of cancer and dealing with a lot of inner turmoil and family drama.  I was not in a good place and it was hard to write anything. 

Add to that, an OS update I did eliminated by ability to use Logic just when I was finally getting used to it.  I took the opportunity to switch to Ableton.

 

So Penthouse is essentially me learning how to use Ableton and trying to make some creative strides in a really emotionally tumultuous time. Most of it was recorded following my grandmother's death in Ocotber 2014. While most of the songs were started and originally conceived between 2013-14 in Los Angeles. I ended up recording and mixing most of it while living in Bali in 2015. 

 

It is essentially about a time when I felt so detached from life and from myself. I was in this high place above everything. It is also a reflection on the numerological interpretation of the number 5 and how it can be destructive and unpredictable.  This EP is all about trying to come out of my writers block, dealing with aging, and finding new perspectives as I try to find myself again.

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Released: December 25, 2015

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Software used:

Ableton, GarageBand

 

Hardware used:

Macbook pro, Ipad mini,  steinberg microphone, Alesis Micron, Roland Gaia

 

 

Song Descriptions - Lyrics

 

Girl of My Dreams

I wrote this on Garage Band on my ipad in August of 2015. This was the first song that I was able to complete while coming out of over a year of writer's block following my grandmother's death in 2014. This song is about finding my creativity again and reflecting on the dreams I had in my youth. Its weird when you get to this point when you realize how far you are away from your original goals and dreams.  I realized that I had aged out of my plans and the original goals that motivated me could no longer apply. This song just finds myself asking "what now". How can I still be creative when life didn't go as planned? Is it still worth it? While at the same time feeling that same beautiful and fulfilling feeling of creating something new. This song is about creativity for the sake of creativity and nothing more and being the girl of my dreams whenever I want in any age.

 

July Alive

I started this song in October of 2013 when I first got Ableton. I was going through a really hard time and writing was hard. I had the first few lines written and couldn't get farther. The concept was clear but the words weren't coming. This song is dealing with my age and feeling like life had passed me by and I could die at any minute and I would be forgotten but it didn't matter because one day the whole world would be forgotten just like so many things we'll never know about that have happened through unknown aeons. I was trying to get across this strong feeling of nihilism and a fantasy of finding a friend in that nihilism who was facing the same void.  I was also trying to get across that feeling I used to feel during my raver days in my late teens. I finally finished the lyrics in December of 2015, over two years after I started it but I think the lyrics are perfect.

 

I Want To

I made this beat in early 2015, before I moved to Bali. My writers block was strong but I was getting more confident in using Ableton. This song is primarly me learning how to use the Ableton Live controller and experimenting with the functions. The lyrics were hard. This song is essentially about my dog and the anxiety I felt about being responsible for a life. So much had gone wrong in my life and I didn't want to fuck it up. 

 

My Prince

This was actually the first beat that I ever made on Ableton when I first got the software in late 2013. I had written a whole song over it but I hated it. It just felt forced and painful.  Writer's block ensued. I wrote these lyrics maybe in late 2015 after getting inspired by a video my brother sent me. of a really great singer. It reminded me of the singer I used to be and how I needed to just do my thing. This song is about being alone and coming to terms with that and feeling comfortable with it. It's about spiritual knowledge and occult quests. I'm still not super satisfied with my performance of this song. I was forcing myself out of my writer's block and sometimes it feels forced. There is a lot going on production wise and I was trying to find a comfortable place for my voice to sit within all of it. I think I succeeded in some areas and failed in others. Otherwise, I'm really satisfied with the composition.  And I think it was a pretty good return to form after a really long time of not really being able to finish writing anything.

 

The Good Hurt

I wrote this song about a month before my grandmother died in September of 2014. I had literally taken her to the hospital and I came home and just wrote this. I used both Roland Gaia and Alesis Micron for all the synth sounds.  I started the beat on my Ipad and recreated it in Ableton.  I wanted to write more but I just didn't have words so I just looped it and I liked how it turned out. It speaks for itself but its just generally how I let myself go through all the stages of my depression cause it feels good to just feel bad sometimes. I thought it had a really tropical feeling and it kind of gave me extra motivation to move to a tropical place.